Bridging the Gap: Addressing Shame in Trauma Recovery for Deeper Healing
Despite trauma being a pervasive issue in therapy rooms, a recent online poll revealed a concerning statistic: only 7% of counselling training covers trauma in depth. Even fewer address the critical role shame plays in the healing process. Yet trauma and shame are deeply interconnected, often reinforcing one another in ways that profoundly impact a person’s sense of self, relationships, and ability to heal. For therapists, this gap in training leaves them feeling underprepared, hesitant, and lacking the confidence to address one of the most complex and damaging emotional responses in their clients.
Trauma—whether it stems from abuse, neglect, violence, or life-altering events—frequently generates feelings of shame. It is crucial to recognise the difference between healthy shame and toxic shame, as they serve very different purposes. Healthy shame can be seen as a signal emotion, alerting us to moments of disconnection from our values, actions, or relationships. It is temporary and constructive, guiding us back towards alignment and fostering personal growth. In contrast, toxic shame becomes internalised, transforming into a pervasive belief that we are inherently flawed or unworthy, damaging our identity, self-worth, and ability to form authentic connections.
Toxic shame arises when individuals internalise the belief that they are somehow flawed, responsible, or “less than” because of what they have experienced. These beliefs are not based in reality but are a response to the overwhelming and disorienting nature of trauma. Shame compounds the effects of trauma by isolating individuals from their support networks and even from their authentic selves. This isolation often prevents them from seeking help, as shame convinces them that their pain is a personal failing rather than a natural reaction to extraordinary circumstances. Left unaddressed, shame becomes a barrier to healing, trapping clients in a cycle of disconnection and self-blame.
Trauma fundamentally disrupts a person’s identity by eroding three core elements:
When these aspects of identity are damaged, clients often develop coping mechanisms, such as people-pleasing, perfectionism, or avoidance, as they attempt to compensate for these painful voids. However, these behaviours often deepen disconnection, reinforcing the shame and further eroding their sense of self.
Shame is inherently isolating. It severs connections in three primary ways:
People-pleasing often emerges as a coping strategy to counteract this disconnection. While it may temporarily ease feelings of shame by securing external validation, it sacrifices authenticity and further alienates clients from their true selves.
Many trauma trainings fail to address the transformative power of honour as an antidote to shame. Honour, when applied authentically, allows clients to reconnect with their inherent worth and dignity. It shifts the focus from external validation to internal alignment, enabling clients to rebuild identity and foster resilience.
It’s essential to distinguish between authentic honour and so-called honour. So-called honour is often rooted in rigid cultural or social expectations, which demand perfection and conformity. Deviating from these expectations leads to rejection or shaming, reinforcing toxic shame and isolation. Authentic honour, however, is deeply personal and internal. It’s about recognising and respecting one’s intrinsic worth. Unlike so-called honour, it’s not imposed by others but arises from living in alignment with one’s values, strengths, and humanity.
Carl Rogers’ concept of Unconditional Positive Regard (UPR) and Divine Charuras’ work on love both emphasise acceptance and inherent worth. These concepts are foundational to therapeutic work, but honour goes beyond acceptance. Honour invites clients to actively engage with their worth by setting boundaries, affirming their strengths, and taking actions aligned with their values. While UPR and love provide a foundation of safety, honour empowers clients to reclaim their identity and live authentically.
Honour provides a framework for addressing the layers of shame and helping clients rebuild their identity. Here are three key ways honour works as a transformative tool:
The Human Needs Wheel is a powerful tool to help clients identify areas of unmet needs. By exploring categories like safety, belonging, and autonomy, therapists can guide clients to understand the root causes of their shame and create actionable steps to address these needs.
Mindfulness helps clients observe shame without judgment, reducing its intensity. Pairing mindfulness with self-compassion exercises—such as affirmations or reflective journaling—encourages clients to embrace their worth and honour their journey.
Encourage clients to journal about their strengths, values, and accomplishments. This practice helps shift focus from shame-based narratives to honour-based reflections, reinforcing a positive sense of self.
Introduce small, manageable boundary-setting exercises. For example, clients can practice saying no in low-stakes situations or assert their preferences with trusted individuals. These actions help clients build confidence and self-respect over time.
Through honour, therapists can help clients rebuild their identity by fostering a sense of security, significance, and self-worth. This process involves:
Addressing shame in trauma recovery is essential for creating lasting change. By integrating honour as a therapeutic framework, therapists can empower clients to break free from the cycles of shame and disconnection. This approach not only helps clients rebuild their identity but also fosters resilience, self-worth, and authentic connection. As therapists, we have the opportunity to bridge the gap left by traditional training and provide the tools clients need to heal fully. By recognising the profound link between shame and trauma, and by introducing honour as a transformative antidote, we can support clients in reclaiming their lives and creating a foundation for deep, meaningful healing.
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